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3.30.2006

MUGGER MY A$$ 


i have to say i’m mighty flattered that some of you peops have requested that i describe my recent events + why i've fallen off the face of the earth. its not as cool as sxsw but here is part I of the low down:
about a week and a half ago i popped into a bank to grabs some cash. just as i was finishing my transaction a man (seen here) entered the bank and came up behind me so that i was sandwiched between him and the ATM machine. he told me to act normal and that i was going to get money out and give it to him. at the time it didn’t process that he would only be able to get out the maximum amount allowed, i was thinking he would devour my entire life savings. since i recently quit my job i didn’t see this as a viable option. i had also just purchased some video equipment and feared he would try to run off w/ my B&H bag. i stood there sorta dumbfounded and he again commanded me to get the money out. i slowly dipped my card in hopes to stall long enough that someone would come into the bank, no such luck. i could tell he was all nervous when suddenly it dawned on me that he never mentioned a weapon. at this point i was still trying to figure out how to protect myself and my nest egg so i turned to him and asked if he had a gun. he said, “no, I have a knife” and opened his coat to reveal the handle. now, a knife tucked in a coat was not even close to a satisfactory answer. if i’m going to fork over my shit you better have your weapon drawn and ready to go. so i did what any self-respecting girl would do, i pushed him out of the way and ran screaming out onto the street. lets all keep in mind that this dude was not exactly the michael jordan of the criminal world. not only did he not have a mask on (HELLO?!?! they take your picture at these kiosks!) he also got in his car and drove off, allowing for 2 people to snag his plates. less than 12 hours later things were playing out like a scene from law and order. i spent hours w/ these two detectives (suites and full on NY accents) picked señor crackhead out of a lineup, was questioned by the DA, testified in front of a grand jury so he could be arraigned and was driven to the airport by the five-O w/ full on lights and sirens. (i was leaving town so they sped up the whole process.) they later found the knife and gloves he had on as i had described them. (note to all crimal wanna beeees - if you are going to do something uber illegal try to not have your weapon of choice/clothing be as distinct as nicole's eating disorder.) apparently this dude had been hitting people up at chase banks for a few weeks. i’ll eventually have to go back to court to testify in front of him and a judge but at least he is off the street for a while. i was really lucky that everything turned out amazingly well, the only thing i lost was my voice. stay tuned for part II which includes why the hell i’m still in oregon. thanks for the love.

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